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This is Me

June 22, 2010

Summer vacation is here, and this time, it is here in a very big way. My job with the school district is over. Ended. Done. That should mean time to relax, plan, create, enjoy, and did I mention relax?

Relaxing probably isn’t going to happen at this point. The rest of the month of June is scheduled and slotted and booked with this or that,  none of which truly lend themselves to relaxing.

The day after I left what was my job for the last time, we packed up our things and headed for New Mexico to visit relatives and get my oldest to her college orientation. It was fun, but it was stressful and tiring. I worry when I visit and stay with other people.

I worry about whether I’m helping out enough. I worry about how my kids are behaving and what rules they are breaking or how they might be corrupting someone else’s nice orderly lifestyle. I worry that they might make a mess or accidentally tear something up. Even with the reassurance of the host/hostess that everything is fine, I worry about what the hostess might be thinking…about me, my kids, and how we live our lives.

It doesn’t lend itself to much relaxing.

Now back at home, I have pretty much booked my week. I’m helping with a local foods day camp. We are having a garage sale this weekend. Guests are arriving on Sunday for a class I am teaching in my house next Monday-Wednesday.

And I worry some more.

I am worried that I haven’t promoted enough. I am worried that my house isn’t clean enough and won’t be. Actually I’m not worried about that one. I’m pretty sure on that one. I am worried that the guest bed won’t be comfortable enough. I am worried that ugly six legged creatures that love living in old neighborhoods will introduce themselves to my guests and reflect on me. I am worried that there is no way to get the bathrooms in a respectable condition and keep them that way for a week. I’m worried about what they will think of me if they see the real me. It’s just not very pretty by typical middle class standards.

And then I see Ronna’s blog post about how she’s not in charge of the damn thermostat, and once again I realize that this is me and I like my life…most of it anyway. I’d like for people to feel comfortable around me, but I will probably not ever please the Martha Stewart clan with my house keeping skills and guest accommodations.

I want to have the confidence of the beautiful lady with whom we stayed over the weekend. She has her way, she has her reasons, she’s realistic in so many ways. It is what it is and everyone else can take it or leave it, but she’s fine with it. I want that.

I want to be okay with me.

I want to be okay with whatever others think of me, of my family, of my living conditions.

I want to be able to relax and enjoy my space and my life without feeling like I have to jump through hoops to be acceptable.

Yes, folks, this is how we live. It’s not elegant. It’s not even sanitary most of the time. But it’s me. Kids are always happy and content in our space. They know they can’t mess anything up.

Why can’t adults see my world that way, too?

So now it’s time to get on the stick, so to speak. Much to do this week to get ready to impress.

Ugh! This isn’t fun at all.

11 Comments leave one →
  1. June 22, 2010 7:10 AM

    Ahhh, Angie. So much candidness, vulnerability, and beauty in this – in you. And, undoubtedly, that is what is seen and experienced in the midst of your home, as well. Be you. You are enough. You are not too much. Set the climate control and rest. (Easier said than done, I know…). 🙂

    • June 22, 2010 7:46 AM

      Yes, definitely easier said than done. Thanks for the encouragement, for sparking the idea of setting my thermostat so that I am comfortable. Everyone else can bring a sweater (or a can of lysol if that makes them feel better). 😉

  2. Viv permalink
    June 22, 2010 7:18 AM

    Angie, you are fantastic and should be proud to be you! Your kids are wonderful, your marriage is fabulous, you help people and you are giving and warm! Who cares if the house is not perfect? IT makes people feel better anyway! I hate going to houses that are squeaky perfect that are meant to intimidate and show off. A home is warm, a home should be inviting and say- come in and take off your shoes, watch tv, get a snack, visit and enjoy! I did that are your house last year. I did not say thank you enough for Brain Gym experience last year. You are the best and you need to tell yourself that everyday! Remember the old saying that God’s creation and His child.

    • June 22, 2010 7:48 AM

      Thanks, Viv. You are very special to me and my family. Way more than you will probably ever know. I have to admit, though, I’m kinda hoping there aren’t mansions and streets of gold in heaven, b/c my idea of heaven isn’t having to keep house in a mansion. 😉

  3. Mike Metcalf permalink
    June 22, 2010 5:23 PM

    Have Fun……..your house is YOUR HOME….if your happy…to heck with the ones that aren’t making the mortgage payments 🙂

    • June 22, 2010 8:26 PM

      You are SO right. Now if I can just convince myself that this is true.

  4. nitahoo permalink
    June 22, 2010 9:54 PM

    When I was young I remember taking home the friend of one of my boys. His mother opened the door wide and invited me in to visit. The house was a mess, but what impressed me was that she was so warm and friendly. We had a great conversation and I felt so welcomed. When I left I remember thinking to myself, “I want to be like that…no matter what my house looks like, I want to sit down and have a friendly conversation without apologizing or giving excuses!” I still want to be like that 🙂

    • June 23, 2010 6:29 AM

      Oh Nita! I want to be like that. I want to be so comfortable and confident in my space and in my own skin that nothing interferes with my hospitality. What a wonderful story.

  5. June 23, 2010 12:52 PM

    My mom always reminds me that there is a difference between hospitality and entertaining. Hospitality happens when there’s laundry on the floor and dishes in the sink. It says “Come in and relax. Be comfortable because I am.” Entertaining is what happens when you invite someone, you clean for days and are tense that everything will go okay. It says “I hope you are having fun because I worked really hard to pull this off!” I’m still working on that hospitality part!

    • June 23, 2010 2:51 PM

      OOOO Melinda, I love that example. That is so good. I will remember to be hospitable and less entertaining. That should help loads!!!

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