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High Dives and My Wild Heart

June 8, 2010

Reality is setting in. Finality is becoming very present and very real. Panic is creeping up on me. I’m standing at the edge of the high diving board with my toes hanging off and the line behind me is too long to go back. I’m headed over the edge.

I have officially been replaced. My position at work has been filled. There is a name and a face, and he’s showing up tomorrow to receive a download of data from my brain into his. My boss is transferring “usernames” to him. Days of employment remaining is down to 5.

And I am scared bleepless.

But I am not.

Because I know — I KNOW — that I did exactly what I was supposed to do. It was time to step away. Time to experience something new. Time to do what I love. The question is…..

How do I get there from here?

There’s quite a free fall between this diving board and the water below.

I have a very bipolar relationship with safety. On the one hand, I prefer the safety and security of the known quantity. Feet solidly on the ground. Steady paycheck. On the other hand, when the wild calls, my heart usually trumps my head. It’s been awhile since wild trumped safety and security. Last time that happened, I promised myself to a man who did not seem to be my match at all. He was wild, a little bit dangerous, different from what my safe head always told me I SHOULD have. Twenty years later, I thank God on a daily basis that my wild heart trumped my safe head.

Now here I stand once again….wild heart said let go of safe and boring. Let go of what’s sucking the life out of me. Wild heart said reach for adventure. Trust the Great Provider to meet all my needs. Do what brings me joy.

Jump.

My head knows there’s no going back. At least not to the place I am leaving. My head also knows that I have no idea what I’m walking toward, who is waiting in the water below to catch me, what dangers lurk in the water. My head says this is not very safe.

In five days, I will be free-falling. Between now and then, I stand with my toes on the edge of the diving board, nervous, crying, panicky, wanting to go backward but knowing I will miss the adventure if I do. The water is safe. I can swim. My loving Father/Mother waits below arms outstretched to catch me and help me to shore. I have faith.

In five days, I will take a deep breath and jump.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. June 9, 2010 1:33 PM

    You are going to be okay. You can’t find yourself until you jump and experience the deep. I’m proud of you.

    • June 9, 2010 2:08 PM

      Yes, I will be okay. I think I’ll even be fantastic. It’s kind of like those moments right before baby’s head makes its way into the big wide world. Mama’s just a bit nervous and uncomfortable. 🙂

  2. June 10, 2010 12:55 AM

    There are many of us talking about trust and faith. And so many on similar journeys.

    That wild heart sounds like your intuition, your authentic self. It sounds too that you’re right where you need to be!

    I look forward to reading more about your journey.

    • June 10, 2010 6:15 AM

      Yes, so many. Talked to another on the phone yesterday who said she had decided to quit her professorship. When asked why, she simply said, “It’s just time to go. ” I thought….wow! Simple and profound. It’s just time to go.

      Thanks for stopping by, Nicola.

      • June 10, 2010 6:59 AM

        I think that’s it in a nutshell. Time to go. Brilliant.

  3. June 10, 2010 7:58 AM

    Sometimes I don’t have the words, so I have to find other’s words. Your angst (and bravery) reminded me of this poem:

    You see, I want a lot.
    Perhaps I want everything:
    the darkness that comes with every infinite fall
    and the shivering blaze of every step up.

    So many live on and want nothing,
    And are raised to the rank of prince
    by the slippery ease of their light judgments.

    But what you love to see are faces
    that do work and feel thirst.

    You love most of all those who need you
    As they need a crowbar or a hoe.

    You have not grown old, and it is not too late
    To dive into your increasing depths
    where life calmly gives out its own secret.

    Rainer Maria Rilke, from Das Studenbuch,
    translated by Robert Bly

  4. June 19, 2010 10:13 PM

    Angie,

    There’s a quote that I can’t find now and this is probably a loose paraphrase … I was fearful of jumping off the cliff until I did and discovered I have wings and I can fly. That is what I am believing for you.

    Thank you for sharing your journey so openly. Your life and how you are living it inspire me. Tonight I am sending you some love … http://alifeprofound.wordpress.com/2010/06/19/receiving-and-sharing-the-love/ … there is absolutely no obligation to continue the play. Simply receive the love as it is given. Freely and abundantly.

    • June 21, 2010 8:37 AM

      Thank you so very much, Cynthia. Thank you for believing in me and for me. Thank you for encouraging me. Thank you for sharing the love.

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