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Wound-Licking, Truth-Telling, and Under-the-Bed-Clearing

April 7, 2010

Four years ago, my spiritual life changed radically. Four years ago, much of what had always been constant, solid, and unchanging changed. Four years ago, feelings were hurt, heads were butted, and backs were turned. Four years ago, I had to step away from something rather than try to fix it. Apparently it wasn’t mine to fix.

For four years, I have told myself and others that all was for the best. I insisted that I had forgiven and that in fact, there really was nothing to forgive because all the players were part of a necessary series of events to bring about some very important changes in my life. For four years, I have insisted that I am doing fine and all is well. For four years, I have chosen to be somewhat cautious about what I say or write because it isn’t worth re-feeling and re-inflicting the inevitable pain that surrounds a series of events that HAD to happen in order for me to grow and be free.

Yet, if all is rocking along  just peachy, if all is forgiven and forgotten, if all is exactly as it is intended to be, if I AM in fact now free, why after four years did Ronna’s Detrick’s Renegade Conversation on Compliance and/or Exile leave my throat swollen shut and my eyes puffy and wet? Why did Trey Morgan‘s simple question find me tapping at my keyboard with intense vengeance and accusatory resentment? Why did Trey’s dream cause my mind to chatter as if on speed? Why did a sincere comment in response to my Easter Sunday post trigger emotion that isn’t supposed to exist at this point in the journey? Why can I be positive and upbeat about most everything else, but anything that even remotely relates to this elephant activates my claws and fangs (and pitchfork and pointy tail)?

Obviously I am still licking some wounds that I wanted to believe had healed.

Could it be that my wounds won’t heal until my truth is told? Is it possible to tell my truth without generating pain for others? Is it okay to sacrifice feelings and relationships in order to free myself from the festering wounds of my past?

Ronna sums things up quite well:

“This does not mean that the choice is easy. To reveal ourselves, to tell the truth, to live out loud, is difficult, painful, and sometimes downright excruciating. But so is the alternative: to remain hidden, silent, small. Even exile seems better than that!”

Stuffing everything under the bed has worked well to hide some emotional and spiritual baggage, but it hasn’t made it go away. In my experience with four girls and my own childhood bedroom, that pile under the bed just keeps growing and getting smelly…gross, yucky smelly. I think my current “under-the-bed-monster” has grown to the point it has begun grabbing for and attacking my ankles each time I am ready to crawl into a safe a cozy space to relax and feel at peace.

I don’t like feeling as if my ankles are being yanked out from under me and sucked into the muck as old wounds are being picked at and reopened.

I think it is time for me to clean out from under the bed, to extract the poison that has infected the wounds on my heart, and to wash it all clean and pure….. repent, for those who love that word….but not from what you might think. I’m going to repent for my silence.

I think it is time to tell my truth.

Can someone please get my island ready? …and make sure it’s well equipped.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. April 7, 2010 6:14 AM

    ‘Not sure that being the source of such angst is something I’m proud of, Angie…But then again, I DO love our conversation and the deep reality that it needs to be had, that you’re not alone, that this tension and frustration and pent-up-near-rage exists in so many. The emotions are confusing. The onslaught of “guilt” of confusion can be nearly overwhelming, And the hope and freedom on the “other side?” Blinding in its beauty.

    Here’s one (of many) thing I’d want you to know: The journey never ends. These are deep-seated and nearly DNA-level beliefs within us. To shift them for ourselves is an incredibly difficult and ongoing task. To recognize that our own shift doesn’t necessary mirror that of those around us who we love? Totally another deal…

    You said, “Why did _______ trigger emotion that isn’t supposed to exist at this point in the journey?” I think the emotion is a given – and a gift. It reminds us, again and again, that we still feel, still question, still doubt, still long for something more, still desire, still hope.

    Rather than just soldier on or grin and bear it, you are alive woman! It’s all good, albeit excruciating at times. I’m with ya!

    (And thank you for including/linking me here, Angie…truly.)

    • April 7, 2010 6:27 AM

      Soldiering on/grin and bear it vs. being excruciatingly alive….all I can say is it won’t be dull!

      The stories of so many others have nourished my soul and allowed me to know that I am not alone. Maybe mine will likewise nourish another who is on this journey.

      Thank you for walking along beside me holding a light to illuminate the path.

  2. April 7, 2010 6:37 AM

    Lance that wound as gently as possible – then let the healing come! In the midst of the pain – please remember that you are loved by the author of love Himself. Blessings.

    • April 7, 2010 6:55 AM

      Gently, slowly, and with as much anesthetic as is permissible is my motto. Thank you, Melinda, for reminding me that the ultimate love is always there for me.

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